Ask Darling D: How Do We Get out of This Sex Slump?

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Dear Darling D,

My girlfriend and I are in a slump. For the first couple years in our relationship our sex drives matched each other. We had sex at least five times a week. Nothing has changed for me, but she seems to want it way less these days. We have sex once, maybe twice a week now. I love her but I’m worried about this change in our sex life. What should I do?


Jamie, Horny AF


Dear Jamie,

You’re not the first, and you definitely won’t be the last, person to experience a bit of a slump in the sex life of your relationship. But like many others, you can overcome this!

There are a lot of ways you can attack this, so I am going to give you a list of options. That way you can choose the best ones for you based on your relationship. These are in no order, except for #1 – because I always believe that starting with communication is the best solution to most things.

  • Talk to her. Has she noticed a change in sex frequency? If she has seen it, ask why she thinks the frequency is less or why she might be into having sex less. If she hasn’t, tell her you love her and how you love making love to her because it makes you feel close or connected. Or tell her you’re so attracted to her you love having sex with her. Then tell her you’ve seen a decline in sex frequency and you want to talk through it to understand and see if there’s something you can mutually do to get on the same page. During your talk, get to the root issue. Ask questions. Don’t just tell her what’s wrong. Know that the reason might be medical. If so, allow her the space and support she needs to work through that.
  • Make it all about her. Maybe during or after this talk, have her write down a list of things she wants you to do in the bedroom. Things she already likes or would like to try. Then for an upcoming romp, make it all.about.her. Make her feel like the most loved, most deserving of pleasure, sexiest woman in the world. Forget about you for a second and make it about her. The likelihood of that being returned at some point to you is that much higher!
  • Have a Plan B. And no, not the pill kind. What else can you do instead of sex? Maybe other sexual acts would satisfy both of you right now. If part of the reason sex has declined is because of a lack of connection in the relationship, plan to change that! TALK. Have date nights. Find opportunities to create intimacy and connection in other ways. Sex is better in a relationship when the connection is strong.
  • Show love in other ways. If for some reason your girlfriend doesn’t want or can’t have sex right now, consider other ways to show love to her (and her to you). Have you read our post on love languages? Check it out to learn about them and get ideas for how you and you girlfriend can show love to each other the best way for each of you.
  • Use other physical touch. There are so many other types of pleasurable touch besides that. Maybe those will help lead to more sex! Massage is one of my favorites. There are also scratches, using feathers or ice cubes. Different ways to play in the bedroom that feel amazing, aren’t sex, but may lead to sex! Check out this page for massage help and this page for different sensory toys. Using sexy games may also help your girl get back into the mood!
  • Sext! Send sexy messages to each other when you’re apart. It will let her know you’re thinking of her, and may also get her primed for the next bedroom QT you guys have.

Sexual slumps happen in every relationship, so be patient and stick it out! Don’t cut the cord on your girl too early. If you plan to be in a monogamous long-term relationship at any point in your life, this is something you will likely experience again. Communicate, put in effort, and hopefully the slump will end!


All the best with more sexy time!

Darling D