Ask Darling D: How Do I Get Over a Jerk?

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Dear Darling D,

I dated a guy for about eight months and we recently called it quits, I knew from the beginning he wasn’t right for me – he was a textbook jerk. My friends thought so too. Even though I’m sure it’s for the best, I’m having a hard time getting over him. I still miss him, and despite how mean he was I still wish he was here. How do I get over someone I know isn’t right for me?


Maryanna, No Justice for a Jerk

Dear Maryanna,

First, I want to say kudos to you for going through with the breakup! Breakups are rarely easy, even in the case of a jerk. In relationships, you grow accustomed having the company of someone and their place in your life becomes part of the fabric of your life. So it isn’t easy cutting that part of the fabric out without feeling like part of the blanket is missing. Cheers to you for that!

And now, to answer your question. Getting over someone is not easy! Time and some intentional practices are your best bet. Here are some things that might help you move through your process of getting over the meanie and making room for a nice sweetie!

Allow yourself to grieve

Part of the healing process from any relationship ending is allowing yourself to grieve. Acknowledge your feelings as they come up. Don’t suppress them. Recognize them when they come up, and then use some of the other techniques below to help move past them instead of staying stuck in them.

Get rid of reminders, if there are any.

Evidence be gone! You can’t move past that part of your life if it’s all still there as a constant reminder of what was. If he had stuff at your place, put it in a box to return at some point or throw it out. Unfollow him on social media. Delete his number if you’re comfortable with that (I don’t delete numbers b/c if they call I want to know NOT to pick up but that’s just me). You need to put yourself in a position to succeed at moving on and one of the best ways to do that is to reduce the reminders of him in your everyday life. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary!

Since this guy was a textbook jerk, write down all the ways he was mean to you/treated you poorlyThis might seem odd, but when your heart longs for his (terrible) company, this can serve as an intervention and reminder of why you DON’T want his company back. Write the list. Then you’ll have proof of the negative way you were treated. When your mind slips, pull it out and read it! Share it with a friend. Have him/her remind you of the list when you need it. When you’re in longing-for-him-mode, you won’t be able to deny the truth you put on paper and it will help you move past the moment of sadness.

Spend time alone.

Not all the time, but there is something healthy about spending time alone to 1, grieve and 2, get in touch with yourself. As you get over him, getting back in touch with who you are, what you want, what you’re worthy of (which is so much better than that guy!) is important for you to refigure out. And that doesn’t happen by filling your social calendar up so much that it doesn’t allow you time or space to think of those things.

Spend time with others.

On the other hand, you don’t want to spend all your time holed up alone. You definitely want to connect with people you love, reconnect with some people maybe you’ve been missing, and get out to enjoy different things! Allow others to support you through this. Do things you love, try something new, and use the space in your heart to connect with people that care about you.

After some time has passed and you’ve made progress getting over him, get out there when you’re ready. If you want! Or just get over him and enjoy some YOU time. Treat yourself well, so the next time a guy comes along you expect him to treat you well too.

You are worthy of more, Maryanna!

Darling D