Dear Darling D,
I really, really like the guy I’m dating. He’s funny, smart, and has his life together. He’s helped me in a lot of ways just by being his amazing self! We’re definitely compatible but there’s one thing about him that makes me cringe. In general, he’s a hairy guy. From head to toe. But sometimes the amount of hair he has…down there…turns me off. Our sex life is good and everything but when I think about putting him in my mouth I get weird. How can I talk to him about it? I would never not be with him because of it but I’m just uncomfortable and want to fix that if I can.
Thanks a lot!
Ryann, Oooh Baby I Like it Bald
It’s a funny thing how we’re all taught, and practice, different methods of personal hygiene. There are different values placed on hygiene-related things from culture to culture, and even within the same “American” culture it gets down to an individual level with what we value and what we do about it!
One key thing to remember is that people have different expectations – of many things. And unless you talk about expectations, it’s not fair to judge or be upset at someone not meeting them. You are not doing that – which is great! And I am glad you’re asking the question now before it becomes a hindrance in your relationship.
Talking to this guy about it is just a conversation. We tend to get all worked up over conversations that make us uncomfortable and make up stories in our heads about how the conversation will go. But at the end of the day, it’s just a two people having a conversation! Do you anticipate any defensiveness on his part? Is he sensitive about his hair? Those are things I can understand making you nervous about the conversation. Even still, I believe breaking down the conversation into three simple parts will help you have a productive talk and help you move past the issue.
Here’s what I recommend for your conversation:
Ask: Seek to understand first!
o What are his thoughts on hair down there?
o What expectations does he have about hair down there, if any? For him, and for you?
o What is his current hygiene routine with his hair care?
o Has he ever been uncomfortable with a romantic partner’s ‘situation?’
Share: After you have more information from his perspective, share with him your thoughts.
o What are your thoughts on hair down there?
o What expectations do you have about hair down there? For him, and for you?
o What is your current hygiene routine with your hair care?
o Why does his current situation make you uncomfortable?
Agree: Now that you’ve both shared your thoughts on the hairy situation, it’s time to use that information to come to an agreement.
o Based on what you now know about how each other feels, what is a good compromise?
o What will make you more comfortable, without compromising anything strongly believes in (if there is anything)?
o What can you grow used to for the sake of what he believes?
Remember to breathe Ryann – it’s just a conversation! And one that can go very successfully to allow you more comfort playing with his nether regions. One day, when his friends are balding and he’s rocking a baller mane, you will both appreciate his hair genes! Until then, best of luck with the conversation and I hope things go more than just a ‘hair’ better than you hope!