Yep, I said it. Talk dirty to me. It’s one of those oh-my-gosh-it’s-uncomfortable-to-talk-about-but-sometimes-I-do-it or sometimes-I’m-asked-to-do-it-but-I-feel-uncomfortable-and-don’t-know-what-to-say or hell-yeah-I-love-dirty-talk-I-know-what-to-say-to-make-it-hot topics! Dirty talk can be an awesome tool to add to your sex life to increase the intimacy you have with your partner. But when you’ve never done it before, or feel weird even asking your partner about it, it can be nerve-racking.
IT IS WHAT YOU THINK IT IS
First, let’s start with what you think of when you think of talking dirty. It’s always important to look at your existing beliefs about something so you know how to combat them as you try to work through it. When it comes to dirty talk, do you think of porn? Do you think “ooh baby harder faster” or lots of squealy moans? Sure, that can be someone’s version of dirty talk. Do you think it means using words you don’t prefer to say? Or that you know your partner doesn’t like, such as the “p” word (looks like but doesn’t sound like ‘fussy’) or “t” word (rhymes with ‘bits’)? Absolutely, some people incorporate that as their dirty talk. But dirty talk can mean different things to different people, depending on your level of comfort and you and your partner’s preferences. That’s the beauty of it! YOU (and your partner) get to decide how ‘dirty’ you want your dirty talk to be. There are no rules! You can have a goal of talking dirty the current way you view it in your head, or you can reframe your view of it to suit your needs. Whichever way you go, there are a few pillars to think about when you open your mouth and let that dirty out.
IT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT’S HOW YOU SAY IT
Oh, how this cliché above is not only true in life, but when it comes to bedroom talk as well. Our parents never let us get away with saying “I’m sorry” or “thank you” in ways that we didn’t really mean as kids. You know, the I-don’t-really-mean-this voice and the body language that went with it. While I don’t anticipate anyone speaking like that in the bedroom, a similar truth exists with dirty talk.
Let’s say you’re kissing your partner from their neck down to their happy area and you want to tell them how much you love their body. Saying, “Baby I love your body” in a tone you’d use in a business meeting telling a colleague you love their idea is very different from saying, “Baby I LOVE your body” a bit softer, a little slower, in a way that makes your partner relax as much as it does turn them on.
When it comes to talking dirty, how you say whatever it is you want to say is the most important part. Put on some of your favorite movies with hot sexy scenes and pay attention to HOW things are said. Think about the volume, tone, speed, and breathiness. And body language goes with the ‘how’ as well! What you say will be much more believable if you’re not saying it with your arms crossed, an embarrassed face or eyes-squinted-shut out of fear. You may not feel confident at first, but the most you practice, the easier it will get! And you won’t feel weird with how you’re saying those dirty thoughts.
IN THE HEAD, OUT THE MOUTH
If you’re good to go paying attention to the HOW, arguably the other most important part is WHAT to say. When first starting to bring dirty talk into the bedroom, many people feel uncomfortable not knowing what to say. Will it sound weird? How do I know if it’s sexy or not? I’m afraid to say anything for fear of being vulnerable! These are all real feelings when new to it – when new to anything! But when it comes to what to say while things get hot and heavy, the possibilities are ENDLESS! And they’re truly right within your head waiting to come out. Let’s consider a couple options for inspiration:
(1) Think about when you’re turned on. What do you want to happen?
Reflect on previous sessions with your partner and think about the things that went down (pun intended), or the things you thought in your head before anything ensued. Did you think “I want him to touch me here” or “I wish she would stop teasing and do X already”? All those little thoughts can be turned into dirty talk when you muster up the courage to bring them down from your brain and put them out in the open. You know to consider the speed, tone, volume, etc…with that in mind, say what you want to happen!
(2) Think about the other person. What is sexy about them or what they’re doing?
Flattery in the bedroom is one of the best kinds. Do you love your partner’s curves? Do you love the way they suck on your lip when you kiss? There is no time like bedroom time to let them know! It’s a boost of confidence to hear positive feedback. “Baby this feels amazing please don’t stop” and “I love when you tease me with your tongue” will not only be a turn on for your main squeeze, but then you also get more of what feels good. Is there any better win-win than that?
(3) Look at these games. What can you take away from them?
Forget about thinking in your own head. Switch things up and play a sexy game with your partner! There are tons of ideas you can garner by playing together (or if you’re really nervous, read the playing cards by yourself). Some things you hear you’ll laugh at, and others might inspire ideas for different things you can ask for, say, or write in a dirty way. You can read the 90 challenges of this game and not only try something new, but request them in a sexy, dirty talk way. These cards can offer the same opportunity!
If you don’t have the thoughts in your head right now, consider using pre-existing content in a game to light up your imagination and get those dirty thoughts talking.
BEFORE, AFTER, AND IN BETWEEN
One of the best parts about talking dirty is that it’s not just about what you say between the sheets. It can be done before, after, and in between the next love romping! Sexting is a real word according to Google…which must mean it’s legit! A sexy little text saying “I can’t wait to straddle you later tonight” can get the anticipation flowing. A day-after sticky-note on the mirror saying “I’m still thinking about how amazing last night was” cements positive reinforcement and plants seeds for next time. If you won’t see your partner for several days, dropping a line during one of your phone calls about how you’ve been fantasizing about them during work will increase the anticipation for the next time you see each other. Need material? Think about things that have happened when fooling around that you enjoyed. Turn those thoughts into before, after, and in between dirty talk!
Practicing dirty talk before, after, and in between is great method for you to practice what to say! Then when it comes to doing the dirty talk during frisky time, you’ll have more confidence to actually say them.
LOUD AND PROUD
Once you get comfortable talking a little bit dirty, you’ll feel empowered and more confident doing it. Remember, dirty talk is whatever you and your partner are comfortable with. Own it! And I guarantee your partner will be happy to listen to what you have to say.