Ask Darling D: Casual Sex, Now He Wants More

Dear Darling D,

I started hooking up with a guy friend of mine about four months ago. We were out one night with a big group of us and he and I went home together. We agreed we didn’t want to get involved and to just keep things casual. Keep it as a no-strings-attached sex-only relationship. It’s been great until now. He wants something more. I’ve loved hanging out and hooking up with him, but I don’t want a relationship. What do I do? I don’t to lose my sex buddy!

Thanks,

Stefani, I’m Only Here to Hump

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Dear Stefani,

Oh, how I feel for you girl! Sometimes those casual Os turn into “oh no-s.” Casual hookups are a wonderful idea but can carry some risk which include one of the parties wanting to get involved in something deeper. I know you don’t want to lose your sex buddy, and that is the ideal result. But let’s talk about some things you can do to handle the situation, so you can get rid of this stress!

I always think it’s important to look internally before you look externally. You started hooking up four months ago and at that point you weren’t interested in a relationship. Do a little self-check by asking yourself some questions. At this point, do you still not want to be in a relationship? Or is that an old mindset you’re willing to shed? If not, do you know your why? Would you like to be in a relationship, but not with him? If that’s the case, why? All these questions are important to answer so you are clear with your own wants. The surer you are of what you want, the easier it will be to stick to your guns and not be influenced by the other person, or the benefits of doing something different than you want (in this case for you, SEX).

I know you don’t want to lose your bed buddy. But I’m going to ask you the question I know you don’t want to hear: Is it fair for you to string him along? It’s hard for me to imagine the answer being “yes.” He’s another human, with feelings and emotions just like you. You already know he is feeling you more than you’re feeling him. Intentionally hurting him by leading him on doesn’t seem like the right answer under any circumstance. It might be hard to say that answer and admit to that.

Along the same lines, here’s another question: Is it worth whatever ‘fake’ energy you’ll have to put out (pun intended) just to keep things as they are and get what you want? Maybe it is for you. Maybe you can fake that kind of interest as well as some people fake orgasms. For me, spending the kind of energy that’s inauthentic would never work. You have to ask yourself if you could and would to go about life like that!

As hard as it may be, you may want to end the current situation if you’re not willing to move it forward. If you decide to end it, be honest. Tell him you don’t want to be in a relationship, and as much as you don’t want to stop hooking up, you don’t want to hurt his heart or lead him on.

You started as friends before you became coitus compadres. Decide if it’s possible for you to still be friends after some time has passed. Ask him the same. Be willing to accept his answer if he says no, even if you say yes. Then we’ll have to talk about being in the same friends-circle as an ex.

I’m sorry if I haven’t given you the answer you may have wanted. But if this all ends, I’m confident there are other guys out there who want to have sex with you, string-free. Cheers to finding them Stefani!

All the best!

Darling D