Ask Darling D: We Disagree on a Lot

Dear Darling D,

I need your advice. My boyfriend and I disagree on a LOT of things. We don’t fight, but we just don’t agree on a lot of different topics. Is that a bad sign? I know a couple won’t agree on everything but sometimes when I think about it I wonder if this is normal. What do you think?

Thank you!

Devan, Should We Agree to Agree on More?

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Dear Devan,

The first thing I want to say is it’s AWESOME that your disagreements don’t lead to fights! It’s great to have the skill of disagreeing and still being able to carry on a healthy relationship. That is the beautiful part of diversity, believing different things and still being able to love each other and work together. The world needs more of that!

Your question is intriguing to me. You don’t need my validation! Do YOU think you have a healthy happy relationship, with all its agreements and disagreements? Why are you concerned about how you guys compare to other relationships? Remember…normal is relative! I don’t want you to be insecure about your relationship. So, I’ll throw out a few things for you to consider that way YOU can decide if your normal is what you want.

The first thing for you to decide is what’s most important to agree on. For you, is it most important to share similar values? Or maybe agree on how to treat your partner? How to cohabitate together perhaps? Like you said, couples won’t agree on everything, but it’s important for you to know your non-negotiable shared beliefs. Once you know what you believe is important to share agreement on, it will make the topics you don’t agree on less concerning, and you won’t have as much insecurity in them.

Here’s an example. Let’s say you decide what’s most important for you to agree on is your value of family, health, and your boundaries with exes. Those are your non-negotiables. And let’s also say you believe in astrology but he does not. If those first three things I listed are the most important for you, then does it really matter that he doesn’t agree that full moons impact your mood and sleep patterns?

Which leads to the second and third questions for you to think about. Does the fact that he doesn’t believe in X (in this example, astrology) change how he treats you? Does it change the way you view him? If he still treats you well, and his position on it doesn’t change how you view him as a person and partner, then who cares if that’s one of the things you disagree on? Sure, it would be cool if he agreed that your signs are the two most compatible out of all of them. But if it’s not on the most important list, he treats you well and it doesn’t change what you think of him then it doesn’t matter!

The list of things you disagree on can be as long or short as anyone else’s. At the end of the day, what’s more important than that list is shared agreement on what you consider the most important, how he treats you, and how you feel about him with his beliefs. Those answers are the only ones you need in order to decide if your current situation is good or if you want to make a change.

Don’t worry about anyone else – you do you, Devan!

Darling D