Ask Darling D: Is Sex Rough Enough?

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Dear Darling D, My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year. We have no problems in the chemistry department, but our sex is often sweet and gentle. I would like it more if sometimes he was a bit rougher and took control. I don’t know how to tell him because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. What’s the best way to let him know I want it a little hotter? Thank you, Amy, Rough Around the Edges   ………..   Dear Amy, It’s great to hear there is no trouble in the chemistry department! It sounds like with a little direction and courage this is a problem you can easily take control of and have hotter sex with your man. It’s natural to fear his response. The hard thing about these conversations is that people automatically hear what’s wrong. He may hear “I want rougher sex” and interpret it as “you’re not good enough.” Instead of coming out of the blue without more context, why not use it as an opportunity to also praise what you do like about your love making? Tell him that you love how much he kisses your neck and body and that it gives you butterflies (if it’s true). Tell him you can tell how much he loves you when you have sex. Make some “deposits” in his “sexual bank account” before withdrawing from it. Then make a suggestion and see what he thinks about it! After the positive encouragement, you can suggest “you know what else would be hot? If you held my hands down above my head when you’re on top of me. What do you think?” Ask how he feels about trying some new things to test out to see what else you both like, as your relationship continues to grow. The when, where, and how you have this conversation makes a difference as well. There are different schools of thought about these kinds of conversations, but I think it depends on the couple and how effectively they communicate. There is definitely space in the bedroom for on-the-spot suggestion conversations. “Ooh baby right there” and “go slower” are important in-the-moment pieces of feedback that makes a sex sesh better. But for what you’re looking to do, asking him to do something harder or rougher when he hasn’t before might catch him off guard. And therefore make the sex sesh a little awkward or uncomfortable. If you have a healthy communication pattern, my suggestion is to take this conversation out of the bedroom and have it like you’d have any other conversation. Maybe on the couch, maybe at the dinner table, maybe while you’re going for a neighborhood stroll together. But having a separate conversation to address it, therefore allowing time for questions, understanding, and talking it through, the likelihood of getting to a resolution by the end is much higher. Create a safe space to have the conversation without the potential to stop some hot intimate time! Good luck! Cheers to you getting a lot of hot 😉 Darling D

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