You meet someone new. You go on a few dates. You fall in love. The sex is hot, frequent, and you can’t imagine things being any different, or any better.
Then you get married. Buy a house. Maybe have kids. The sex has changed. Now it’s lukewarm and semi-monthly. When did that happen? How did that happen? Exhaustion trumps eroticism. TV trumps tongue kissing. Facebook trumps foreplay.
Now you want things to be different, but how? You’ve got jobs, families, and other life responsibilities. Sex used to be one of the main things you looked forward to together, but it’s fallen down the priority list. How can you change that? One potential answer: sex toys! (gasp)
LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX (TOYS)
Sex toys are a novelty that are traditionally thought of as an interest for single people, or people who are a little on what could be described as “the freaky side.” You might think of walking into a smutty store filled with neon colored dildos, images of porn stars making O-faces and Halloween-costume-style lingerie. That vision isn’t exactly the silver bullet answer couples crave when they want to enhance their relationships. But that isn’t the vision you have to think of when you consider using sex toys to enhance your relationship!
These toys are not just for singles, or for those “freaky” peeps. Sex toys are wonderful tools (literally AND figuratively) that can enhance sex lives, create more intimacy, and continue the lifelong journey of learning about your partner. Before you can view them as such, it’s important to cease judgment and limiting belief systems about sex toys. Do you have that vision previously described? Do you think of sex toys only being used in porn films by professionals? Whatever you think of, it’s important to recognize your current paradigm and be open to changing that belief. Are there neon colored dildos? Yes. Do you need a neon colored dildo to have a better sex life? Maybe, or maybe not!
To know if that neon colored dildo, or any other sex toy for that matter, is the answer to helping you enhance your relationship, it’s important to focus on your goal as a couple and be open to solutions that create a happy, healthy sex life between you and your significant other. What IS your goal as a couple? Are you in a sexual slump? Are you lacking connection with your partner? Are you looking to tap into your sexuality? Do you need to spice things up?
Using sex toys to enhance your relationship should be discussed and a mutually agreed upon decision. They can be intimidating if you’ve never used them before. Once you break through some potentially negative stereotypes or beliefs and begin to wrap your arms around them (literally), the intimidation goes away and you can see them as a fun way to change your relationship status quo and achieve your ultimate goal as a couple.
There are three relationship skills sex toys can help enhance in a relationship:
RELATIONSHIP SKILL 1: COMMUNICATION
Experts, articles, and real people will tell you that communication is the most important part of a relationship. When there is no or poor communication, all other aspects of a relationship suffer. When it comes to using sex toys, communication is something you can’t avoid! As previously stated, introducing sex toys into a relationship should be a mutually agreed upon decision, which requires…communication! It could be an awkward conversation at first, maybe calling attention to the fact that the relationship has an aspect that is less than satisfactory and there’s more that can be done to turn that up a notch.
After it’s been agreed upon to use them in the relationship, nothing but communication should follow! Talking about what you like, don’t like, why you do or don’t like something, where you should move something, how fast or slow you should go – all the mechanics during a sex sesh should be communicated. And then after some O-faces have been achieved, another conversation should happen – whether it’s in depth or a quick recap, you and your partner can download about your experiences and use that information to move forward in your goal as a couple. Sex toys create an opportunity to strengthen communication between two partners beyond the enhancement in the sex life!
RELATIONSHIP SKILL 2: CURIOSITY
Asking questions is one of the best skills of successful business people. It’s also a great characteristic of kids (we often ignore how good it is for them to ask questions and instead only see its annoyance). But sex toys bring a new wave of curiosity into a relationship! Sex toys force you to ask yourself questions, ask your partner questions, and seek to understand more about the relationship, the sex toys themselves, etc. Do you like a particular tool? Does this cream bring you to orgasm easier? Does my partner enjoy when I use this? How does this feel? Would you like me to do more of X or less of Y?
Like with anything new, there is a learning process associated with it, so by using sex toys there is a natural opportunity for curiosity to increase. Think about when you began dating. How much were you learning about your partner in the early days? How many questions were you asking them? They were new to you, there was so much to learn about them. In healthy relationships, partners are constantly learning about each other – even if that means 20 years later! Using sex toys can create better health in your relationship by getting more curious about your partner again. The more you learn, the more there is to love!
RELATIONSHIP SKILL 3: COMFORT ZONE
When you’re single, all you want is to have that person that you can be completely comfortable with. The one you can do nothing with, share the normal routine with, rock your oldest sweatpants with. But when you’re in a relationship, and you’ve achieved that comfort-level status, a lot of other things can go away (including that curiosity and communication). Everyone loves to be in their comfort zone! It’s safe, you know what to expect, you know you can succeed in your comfort zone.
Introducing sex toys into your sex life with your partner, you become forced into your discomfort zone. No one likes the discomfort zone! It’s scary, it feels weird, it’s unpredictable. What if I don’t use this toy correctly in front of my partner? What if we try a new lube and my body has a weird reaction to it? What if we try anal beads and I actually LIKE it? So many questions, so much fear! But it is in the discomfort zone that we find GROWTH. We expand our likes, our dislikes, our strengths, our weaknesses. And by going into the discomfort zone together, with increased communication, you grow together as a COUPLE. No one ever thinks of that when they imagine using sex toys, but it is one of the brilliant solutions they can bring to enhance a relationship!
HOW THE STORY ENDS
Sex toys. Not just for the singles. Not just for the freaky. For the everyday couple too! Not only bringing you more O-faces, but enhancing critical relationship skills to ensure you and your partner continue to grow the strength of your relationship….and the FUN in your relationship! After you and your partner decide to bring sex toys into the relationship, the first decision becomes…which neon colored dildo should you use first?
Hey everyone! I'm Darling D and so happy to be at your service here on the site. I'm a high energy lover of love, sex, and open conversations! I write posts on all relationship related topics and answer any questions you have in the Darling D advice column. I want you to have your best relationship and sex life possible!